The holidays are a time of merriment, festivity — and, for many, tense family gatherings. People think, ”’How do I…
The holidays are a time of merriment, festivity — and, for many, tense family gatherings.
People think, ”’How do I deal with relatives who, at times, are intrusive or trigger me or say things that are abusive?” said Mark Rapaport, president-elect of the American Psychiatric Association.
When trying to defuse stressful family dynamics, some people use a strategy called “gray rocking.”
The point is to “act boring, like a gray rock,” said Samantha Whiten, a Maryland-based clinical psychologist. “You do not give difficult people any potential ammunition.”
Is gray rocking actually a smart way to survive the holiday season? Here’s what experts said.
When it can be helpful
The gray rock method is perhaps best known as a tool for managing interactions with narcissistic, manipulative or otherwise toxic individuals. But it doesn’t have to be so extreme. It can be deployed “in any situation where you are trying to minimize conflict with somebody who you have to interact with,” Whiten said.
When gray rocking, you’re purposely making yourself uninteresting by politely offering short, non-committal responses rather than getting sucked into a high-drama exchange. The idea is to deprive the other person of the attention or reaction they want, prompting them to move on.
Imagine you’re invited to a holiday party with your whole family — including Uncle Bob, who gets under your skin. You don’t want to skip the party outright; you just want to de-escalate conversations with Bob so you can enjoy your evening. That’s where gray rocking might come in.
Maybe Bob corners you to talk politics. In previous years, you might have taken the bait and ended up in a shouting match. But when gray rocking, you’d sidestep conflict with a bland response, like, “Interesting opinion. How’s work?”
Rapaport said he’s not aware of published research on the technique’s efficacy, but said its objectives make sense.
“One of the keys in circumstances like this is not to emotionally engage,” he said.
And when gray rocking hurts
Gray rocking can be helpful in a pinch. But particularly when practiced regularly, it can come at a cost to your emotional health and relationships, warned Darlene Lancer, a California-based marriage and family therapist.
“After a while, people get numb,” Lancer said. “They start shutting down to their own feelings of hurt or anger.”
The strategy can create distance between you and your loved ones.
“I don’t recommend it, really, in a relationship that you want to last and grow,” Lancer said. If you care about the long-term health of a relationship, “the ideal is always to be more authentic” and talk through your issues, she said. (And of course, if a relationship is truly harmful or dangerous, it may be best to leave it or limit contact.)
Even in the short-term, stonewalling someone may anger or upset them, particularly if they didn’t realize their comments bothered you in the first place, Rapaport added. Great Aunt Sally may think she’s just making friendly conversation when she asks, yet again, when you’re going to have kids, even if it feels like an attack to you.
Polite directness may get you further in these situations, Rapaport said.
“Sometimes you acknowledge it and say, ‘I hear what you want to talk about, but it’s not something I want to discuss at this time,’” he suggested.
Go in with a game plan
To set yourself up for success at gray rocking, plan ahead. “People really do well with having a specific goal,” Whiten said, so think about exactly how you’d like to handle difficult situations likely to arise at your gatherings. That way, when the moment comes, you can fall back on your plan instead of responding emotionally.
Consider which interactions tend to be hardest for you, and think of a few placid responses to keep in your back pocket. This can be as simple as responding to your mother’s unsolicited advice with a neutral comment like, “Thanks, I’ll think about it,” instead of snapping, Lancer said.
You might also recruit similarly minded loved ones to help if things start to get heated, Rapaport suggested.
“Contact folks ahead of time and say, ‘Hey, if you see this happening with me, pull me away,’” he said.
Make sure to keep drug and alcohol consumption in check, since substances make it much harder to keep a level head.
Finally, try to focus on the good — the people who you do want to see at the party — and channel a little empathy toward the difficult figures in your life, Rapaport said.
“These actions that trigger huge emotional responses in you may be a little less likely to do so because you’re thinking about their vulnerability, their weaknesses, their inability to know how to engage with others,” he said.
A little generosity of spirit can go a long way. It is the holidays, after all.
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